sad and worried

Laid off... again... third time in under two years. Where's NPR to put a tape recorder in my home so my less-than-stellar work life can be broadcast for the whole nation. Today is my last day of work... so bittersweet. At least I know I can go around the corner on a weekend and visit these new and funny friends I've made. I'm soooo worried about finding a job. I have an interview in the morning for a family-school liaison position. I want to go in there and wow them. I know I'd be really good at this job. I've been looking around on line at other family-school liaisons and what they are offering so that I can be fluent in the subject by tomorrow morning. I'm anxious. Trying to stave off disappointment on the other side of not getting the job. Feeling like crying. Snapped at my son this morning and then cried and said I was worried about not having a job. He came over to me and rubbed my back a little and kissed me on the shoulder saying what a good worker I was and that he was sure the interview would go really well.

I'm thinking that maybe I should send the job description to my sister on the West coast so she can go out in the yard and hold it up to the California sunshine and maybe that will work some magic. Or maybe I should bury a copy in the back yard and burn sage over it.

Maybe I need to get a grip.

I will prevail no matter what although I will stop short of selling my little pumpkin on the street corner.

more about the moon

The moon was low and soft in the late late afternoon sky, as if it were trying to disguise itself as a planet, deep yellow with grey streaks of cloud. Later it rose and was disguised as a Necco wafer, Canada mint, or possibly the cross-section of a marshmallow. I realized as I drove home tonight that I don't think of the moon as a sphere, rather as a disk, as if it had an edge and was vast in its flatness. Completely mysteriously it hangs up there, sometimes round, sometimes narrow, sometimes gone behind a drape of shadow. I have come to depend on its presence, through heartache, through raising a teenager, through a parent's lifechanging illness. If the moon were a word instead of an orb nearly 24 thousand miles away, it would be FAITH.

winter moon

A very, very short post albeit a necessary one. The moon, oh man, the moon this evening was down by the horizon, a huge heart-squeezing orb glowing through the winter tree trunks and I was driving and thinking of love at the same time and then I was crying and feeling good and sorry for myself and somehow connected to every other sad lover since the beginning of time. Ah, such sweet drama.